Yoga.

It all started with the Bird Squat. 

Actually it didn't. I'm getting ahead of myself. Anyways, I'm always up for trying new things, but when one of my friends-YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE- asked me to go to a yoga class, I was a little hesitant. Anything that deals with balance, coordination, silence, seriousness, etc. is typically NOT my cup of tea and generally ends quite terribly. But, despite the fact that my brain was screaming "Don't go! Stay home and eat ice cream instead!"… I went. This could have possibly been the worst decision of my life.

I knew I was in the wrong place when I first entered the room. I was greeted by fumes that smelled roughly like the offspring of sweaty gym socks and a corpse. Or maybe it was just a corpse wearing sweaty gym socks. The world may never know. The only other guest in the room was an old, obese man. When 3 of my friends and 2 other normal-ish looking girls entered the room, I began to feel a little bit better. I thought to myself, "Maybe this won't be too bad after all!" I was wrong. Very, very wrong.

Imagine this:

The yoga room is dimly lit. "Relaxing" music is playing in the background. The instructor is talking in a soft, soothing voice telling us to get into positions such as Sun God, Moon God, Wind God, Fire God, something involving a Dog… (anyone know who names these things?) I look around and everyone is balancing and getting in their zen or something. I'm just sitting there thinking, "What the heck am I doing here?"

To give you a better picture, this is everyone else in the class:

This is me (and Old Man):

And here comes the Grand Finale. Instructor Lady (barely audibly) whispers, "Now we're going to move into Bird Squat. Some of you beginners might find this a bit challenging.." (Beginners= me and Old Man, just incase there was any doubt in your head.) Everyone around me begins to contort their bodies into an unnatural position involving placing your knees into your biceps and somehow managing to hold all of your body up with only your wrists. It looks a bit like what Mr. Pro is doing in that picture above. Get this: I DID IT. But only for roughly .0002 seconds before losing my balance, flopping over onto the mat, and busting into uncontrollable laughter. Apparently laughing is frowned upon in yoga? Who knew? Everyone in the room whipped their heads around and glared at me as if they wanted to burn me at the stake as a witch. Then Instructor Lady whispers again (Note to readers: have a hearing aid implanted before attending your first yoga class.) "And now we're going to transition into Happy Baby." This involves spreading your legs like you're giving birth and rolling around on the floor like a roly poly. When I did this… The unthinkable happened… Yes… I farted. After this quite embarrassing conclusion to the already awkward class, I started laughing even harder. Then every member of the class shooed me out of the YMCA and chased me down Highway 31 with pitchforks and flaming torches. Okay that last part didn't really happen. But needless to say, I'm never going back. 

Hi.

Greetings! 

I'm Madison, and this is a blog devoted entirely to the utterly unfortunate and oftentimes comical occurrences that my life is comprised of. This may or may not be the worst blog you've ever read. I'm not making any promises.

Things you should probably know about me:

1. If you haven't already guessed, (hence the title of this blog…) I'm awkward. Like really, miserably awkward. Most people experience a brief "awkward stage" during their adolescence, but I've been waiting on my awkward stage to end for over 17 years now. I expect the people in charge of the Guinness World Record Book to show up on my front porch any day now and crown me as Queen of the Awkward.

2. I'm probably considered by most to be weird... My hobbies include singing karaoke via SnapChat and pretending I am Beyonce, stalking people on social media, telling weird stories that people probably don't want to hear, etc. I'm completely normal, I promise.

3. I am deathly afraid of talking on the phone. And feet. My other phobias include, but are not limited to, the words "panties," "patty," and "crusty." If you're searching for an easy way to irritate me,  create a sentence involving all of those words. I will end you.

4. I. Can't. Stop. Laughing. It's true. It's a medical condition. Actually it's not. I just laugh a lot (and it's often at very inappropriate times). I'm the kind of person who will accidentally start snickering if you tell me your cat was just run over by a car. I'm really sorry. 

So there you have it. It's probably best if you run far away from this blog without ever looking back. (Actually plz don't, I have funny stories I want to share.) Deuces.