The Great Plunge.

Q: What do you do when your lunch box ends up in the toilet? 

Yes, you heard me right. My lunch box took a rather unfortunate swim. It was another one of those days... are you even surprised? I had already spilled coffee all over my books, completely bombed a test, and fallen asleep in class. Yippee. I thought to myself, "Hey, it can only get better from here!" Wrong.

I was in a hurry. I had only one mission: quickly use the restroom and then bolt to class. Determined to be on time, I power walked to the bathroom with my 102 pound backpack straddling my spine and my lunch box swinging from my fingers. In a rush, I violently flung open the stall door and hurled my backpack to the ground. As I did this, however, my hand muscles decided to conveniently unclench just as my lunch box dangled over The Pit of Doom. 

I watched, horrified, as my lunch box slowly spiraled downward. I cringed as I heard the splash and watched the light pink fabric quickly darken to purple. "WHAT DO I DO?!" I shrieked as I stared at the sopping blob that continued to sink further into the seemingly never-ending well. I faintly recall hearing the distant cheers of whole grain goldfish as they dove into the flushable aquarium. Finally, I shooed the sewer rats out of the way, plunged my hand into the septic tank, and retrieved the toxic mass. As the minute bell rang, I abandoned my hopes of using the restroom and, utterly defeated, trudged to class with a dripping disease-box (identified by the CDC as the root of a potential outbreak) in hand.

A: You ignore the fact that the food you are about to ingest has spent time where others have... you know...

Yes, you heard me right. I ate my lunch. I was mocked. I was ridiculed. I was probably labeled Poop Girl. But I was hungry, and I wanted my yogurt, dangit. I mean, all of my food was sealed in plastic bags, and my peanut butter sandwich only slightly smelled of urine (I'm kidding).. So I'm good, right? Maybe? No? I'll let you know if I contract any diseases.

R.I.P.

Just One of Those Days.

Today was just one of those days. 

You know what I'm talking about. One of those days. We've all had them. The only problem is this: I experience those days pretty much 5 out of 7 days a week. 4 if I'm really lucky. Here's just a snippet of a "normal" day in the life of Madison:

6:00 am My alarm begins to sound. I, still completely and utterly asleep, somehow manage to turn off my phone and chunk it across the room. All while still sleeping. (I will later have no recollection of these events ever happening.)  I'm convinced that with these skills, I could disable a bomb in my sleep. I'm clearly gifted.
6:35 am My mother bangs down my door with the force of a thousand stampeding buffalo. She screeches into my ears, "ARE YOU AWAKE?!" I mumble back a "yes" and begin to (slowly... very slowly) lift my body out of bed. As soon as my mother turns her back and leaves, I plop back onto the pillow like a rock and immediately fall back asleep.

6:50 am I finally wake up and get in the shower. 

6:54 am I fall out of the shower. I bring the curtain down with me. I do not know how this happened. 

7:48 am I screech into the school parking lot 2 minutes before the tardy bell rings. (3rd tier REPRESENT.) I grab my stuff and begin to sprint down the Great Wall of China stairs leading to Homewood High School. I trip on stair 4,325 and tumble all the way down to stair 1,619. My boots now look like they have been mauled by a bear. 

8:44 am The minute bell rings as I casually stroll into my Physics class. I begin to head to my seat, but some weasel kid is already sitting there. I utter, "What the..." as I begin to realize that I recognize no one in the class. At the sound of my voice, every student swivels their head around and stares at me as if I am vermin. One kind soul shouts, "YOU'RE IN THE WRONG CLASS, IDIOT." Still confused, I stand rooted in place like a deer in headlights for a good 20 seconds trying to comprehend what's going on. Are we running on a different bell schedule? How did I not get the memo that the schedule changed? Am I being Punk'd? Finally, I realize where I'm supposed to be and begin to sprint through the halls faster than Usain Bolt could ever dream of running. I bust into Calculus class .00001 seconds before the bell rings. You can applaud now. Thank you.

All of this happened before 9 am.

Please recognize that this is just a mere fraction of the many unfortunate things that happen to me on a daily basis. The world is clearly out to get me. Actually, I take that back. The world has already gotten me.