My Future.

Wrapping my mind around the future has always been a bit of a struggle for me. Where will I be ten years from now? What will my life look like? Who will I be? When it comes to finding the answers to these questions, I most represent Velma blindly digging through the dirt trying to find her glasses. But recently, I had an epiphany.

While on a family trip to Six Flags, I saw my future self in the flesh. I recognized my reflection in a glistening layer of sweat covering the body of a 500 pound man unable to clasp the restraining device on a roller coaster. I can't even begin to describe the range of emotions I felt upon laying eyes on him. It was as if I was meeting my long lost twin for the first time. For storytelling purposes, I have named my mysterious counterpart "Jason."

Jason did some serious squeezing in an attempt to click that safety belt, but it obviously wasn't going to work. Imagine trying to turn a baby sock into a unitard. It's just not gonna happen. When the coaster attendant told Jason he was going to have to leave, he wasn't phased. He nonchalantly sauntered off into the distance, munching on a cinnamon pretzel and sipping a large slushie. Jason didn't care that a heart attack was inevitably in his near future. He didn't let this dissuade him from pursuing his passion. This brief encounter with my soulmate left me a changed woman.

It's no secret that I eat a lot. I have an unnatural obsession with food. When my metabolism slows down, it won't take long for me to turn into a stick of butter. But seeing Jason gave me hope. Jason let me know that there is in fact a sugary, pretzel-shaped light at the end of the tunnel.

Picture this: It's the Homewood High School Class of 2014 30th reunion. Everyone is chatting and pretending like they're having a good time, when suddenly a wrecking ball slams through the wall. Amongst the screams of startled guests, a slight whirring can be heard approaching. Almost heroically, an insanely overweight whale woman breaks through the billowing cloud of sheetrock riding a motorized wheelchair, her layers of fat pouring over the sides and dragging the ground. Someone mutters, "Is that Madison Collins?" Yes. Yes it is.

Some may render me a pessimist, but I call it realism. I have chosen to accept my future as the 500 pound woman. Step aside, Tracy Turnblad. You ain't got nothin' on me. *drops mic*